Frequently Asked Questions

God is TIRED of answering the same things over and over again! Please check here first and you will be amazed at the wealth of concrete knowledge the Divine One has deigned to impart upon us mere mortals.

Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: You might as well just ask Me "What is the meaning of Jell-O Pudding?" Life just is. The human desire to ascribe meaning to their pitiful existence is frankly tiresome. Get over yourselves already! You don't hear rabbits complain that their lives are devoid of meaning - they're too busy enjoying making more rabbits. I suggest you follow their lead.

Q: What's Heaven like?
A: It's very nice; thank you for asking.

Q: What is Hell like?
A: This is one of the most maligned, misunderstood places in history. I mean think of the unparalleled amenities! – super-tropical climate, 24 hour BBQ, campfires every day, entertainment for the cultured: “The Chorus of the Wailers”, superheated festering cesspools … er… I mean revitalizing mud baths, rejuvenating hot springs, extra large saunas – no waiting! Dante was clearly confused -- what poet isn’t? Hell has got to be the premiere imaginary resort destination of all time! Just gear up with your SPF 3000 and you are good to go!

Q: Do You answer all prayers?
A: Yes I do. Unfortunately the answer is usually "No".

Q: Why, if You love us, are there plagues and natural disasters?
A: Because you keep touching yourself! Now stop it!

Q: Was Jesus Your son?
A: Yes he was. If you are male, then so are you.

Q: Is there a Trinity?
A: The suggestion that man can truly comprehend My nature is laughable. Nobody corners the market on Truth (except Me of course). However, if you were to believe all that was written in the Christian Bible to be factual (which, by the way isn't), then you would have noticed that in every instance Jesus expressed himself in a subservient manner to Me. Therefore, should we apply some simple Divine Mathematics to this we will see that: if a > b, then b cannot = a. The Trinity was dreamed up by man to explain away the inherent polytheistic nature of Christianity with Myself, Jesus, Angels, Archangels, Seraphim, Cherubim and all the heavenly host being simply part of the same whole. To quote the Church Lady "Well… isn't that convenient?" Get used to it… there's a bunch of us up here!

Q: Do people get reincarnated?
A: Yes, but only extra special people like you! The common folks (almost everyone else) only deserve one go around… however you, sublime example of humanity that you are, have been deemed worthy of multiple lives. The only troubling part to you must be that given the fact all your predecessors were persons of special esteem and note (royalty, superstars, spiritual leaders, authors, conquerors, savants and the like), why is it that your life is so ordinary today? The answer is simple. Every so often in the cycle you must be what we call up here “re-grounded” in order that you do not surpass your “peers” (by virtue of the cumulative effect of successive splendor) in such measure as to cause suspicion among them as to the nature of your near divinity. So after this life is over, you may of course look forward in the next to others basking in the glory your former and future magnificence.

Q: Do babies who die before they are baptized go to Hell?
A: Why... yes! It is after all completely their fault for having been born in the first place to such foul, fornicating sinners and thus most assuredly deserve to roast for all eternity in Satan's BBQ nursery wing.

Don't be such a moron. Jesus loves you… Me, not so much.

Q: Does water actually go down the drain backwards in Australia?
A: No. Now if you had asked Me the same question in relation to the average thought process in Australia…

Q: What day is the Sabbath supposed to be on?
A: Wednesday… won't you people ever learn?! I think someone should start a war over this one, and quickly - I mean come on! It's high time some action was seen on this front. Just submit a request to the Holy Help Desk when you wish to engage and I'll lay a smiting on those infidel weekend worshipers the likes of which the former citizens of Sodom would pity.

Q: Was Mary really a virgin?
A: Um… yes! Joseph wed Mary and just never got around to having a crack at her - what with all the carpentry and so on. Once she was impregnated by Me of course, Joseph never thought, "Oh!, Hey! She's clearly into this sort of thing - perhaps I'll give it a whirl!" Joseph was celibate until Jesus was born and then all of a sudden got the brainstorm to have some more kids with Mary the old fashioned way (given I wasn't doing all the heavy lifting anymore). Perhaps Joseph was just extremely lazy.

Q: Is it ok to smite the Hare Krishna's at the airport?
A: Smiting is good! I do a lot of it - read the Old Testament. Smiting is however, My job. If anything is to be smitten, then you must first petition Me and I will have it put in the Smiting Queue for review and subsequent action. That's the way the Divine Bureaucracy functions, so click here to get in line!

Q: Was Darwin wrong?
A: The length of his beard was indeed ill-considered as the inevitable comparisons with Mine were certain to have cast him in poor light, however his theories are generally correct.

Q: Did Jesus die for my sins?
A: If your sin was killing him, then yes.

STILL not finding the answers to your questions?
Contact the Holy Help Desk!

Future answers coming for:

Are Muslims and Buddhists and other non-Christians going straight to Hell?
Is it ok to have sex out of wedlock?
Is it ok to masturbate?
If I get pregnant when I am not married, am I going to go to Hell?
Are priests and other clergy your representatives here on Earth?
Should I send money to Televangelists?
Is the Bible your Word?
Did Noah actually save the inhabitants of the earth by building an arc and loading on all the animals 2 by 2?
Where did cavemen and dinosaurs come from?
If my father and mother are clearly insane do I still have to obey them?
How old are you?
Was Eve really evil?
What's the Devil like?