1. Thou shalt have no other gods
before me.

While there are lots and lots of gods up here to choose from (and I know the orgy / feasting cycle of Baal can be pretty tempting when compared to the austere lifestyle I demand of My followers), I will be really pissed if you leave Me… you think a scorned woman is scary?! Just wait!

2. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me; And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me, and keep my commandments.

You see, I am a rather small God, and I get very jealous when folks bow down before statues. No, I don’t sit up here and sadly shake My head thinking “My poor misguided children”… I get MAD! Not only will I severely punish and hold an eternal grudge against those who do, but their children, their grandchildren their great grandchildren and even their great great grandchildren. That’ll fix their statue worshipin’ wagons. I mean come on! – how can I be expected to compete with something that’s actually real?

3. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain: for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.

Well Leviticus 24:16 says it all folks: “And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death.” So don’t you sass Me or I’ll either lay a severe smiting on your ass or have my psychotic … er … devout followers do the job for me. In this latter case I'll see to it that you shall be stoned – and no, not the good kind.

4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days shalt thou labor, and do all thy work: But the seventh day is the sabbath of the Lord thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates: For in six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea, and all that in them is, and rested the seventh day: wherefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day, and hallowed it.

Nor nibbling ground squirrel, nor any industrious bug, nor burrowing mole… you get the picture. This day is about ME! I will not have any distractions from your prostrations and supplications to My divine magnificence. Love Me… Love ME! I command you! Yes, I am just small enough to require My devotees to shout My praises to the heavens on a weekly basis. I get off on it… so sue Me. And just in case you think I am kidding around, read the following:
Exodus 31:15
"Whosoever doeth any work on the Sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death"
You have been warned...

5. Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.

Hey, I depend on these people to instill the fear of Me in you so that you tow the line and send Me lots of cash and lovely syrupy worship. So listen to them or thy days will be SHORT!

6. Thou shalt not kill.

You might have thought this one would have appeared nearer the top of the list, and maybe have included some of the colorful descriptive language associated with the last five... but those last ones were about Me, and frankly it’s less of an issue should you hack off your neighbor’s head than use My name in vain. I really should have added some verbiage to this one on second thought however; it should have read: “Thou shalt not kill, except when I tell you it’s ok – which will be often. And when I tell you to kill, I don’t want you to do any half assed job at it! Lay waste thine enemy as though you had no conscience or feeling at all!” Here’s an example of how I want you to act when I give you the go ahead:

Deuteronomy Chapter 2
“31: And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I have begun to give Sihon and his land before thee: begin to possess, that thou mayest inherit his land.
32: Then Sihon came out against us, he and all his people, to fight at Jahaz.
33: And the LORD our God delivered him before us; and we smote him, and his sons, and all his people.
34: And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain:
35: Only the cattle we took for a prey unto ourselves, and the spoil of the cities which we took.”

Or listen to my man Moses:

Numbers Chapter 31
14: And Moses was wroth with the officers of the host, with the captains over thousands, and captains over hundreds, which came from the battle.
15: And Moses said unto them, Have ye saved all the women alive?
17: Now therefore kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him.
18: But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves.

Hey, you might as well claim a little dividend for doing My work right?

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

This one seems pretty straight forward right? It might have been rephrased as “Thou shalt not mow thy neighbor’s lawn”. Jesus, however kinda threw a wrench into the works of this practical, no-nonsense commandment with the following:

Mathew Chapter 5
28:
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

Considering that the punishment is also written down,

Leviticus Chapter 20
10: And the man that committeth adultery with another man’s wife, the adulterer and the adulteress shall be put to death.

I’ve been expecting to see a lot more dead folk up here. Oh well, you’re all coming here eventually; I’ll deal with you then. Don’t expect the smiting line to be short!